So today, November 15th, is my mother's birthday~* I decided to make/draw her a card along with an origami crane XD I'm not very great with gift ideas most of the time, and knowing my mom, she'd probably say "save the money~" T_T So I tend to end up making or drawing something. haha
Doing these things made me think about a lot, mainly about how happy I should be and how lucky I am. I did a little digging in the library/office and found some old photo albums XD I thought that I would share these photos of me (3-7 years old?) and mom with you sooner or later anyway~ So here they are!! XDDD : ME & MOM:
~(^~^)~
There are always flowers in our photos for some reason.. lol~
This was on her birthday when I was 7 =]
A few ROFL-worthy pictures of me X''D:
Don't mess XDD
hehe =]
lolll baby-Jaejoong haircut T~T
wow my own DNW photo XD haha! *dies*~
I wonder what led to this... hahaha T~T
Sulli had better watch out!! 'Cuz I have my own bear too! haha =X (wow this was a month+ before she was born T_T)
ALL of this reminded me so much of:
hehe "mama Jae" XDD <3333
... but I digress,~ SO I hope you had a fun time viewing these photos XD Hope they make you smile somehow (yes/no?) T~T
Updating once again with another new cover =] It's by Yim Jae Beom and it's a wonderful song ^~^ Oh how many times have I stopped because I could not sing more of this song >.< Enjoy:
...Sometimes I feel like this world is not that big after all...
Today, I came across something really amazing. It was a gift, a big gift, from many of my supporters! And I can't even begin to imagine how much effort it takes for just simple individuals from all over the world to go out of their ways and create something so amazing only for ONE person.~ I can't believe you guys would do this for me. From painting, singing, to baking and making crafts - this is SO much effort! I'm very touched by your words and creations.
There are times when I really have been disappointed in myself for not being able to do very much for every one of you. Your reactions are so genuine and the ways that you explain how much the things I do have affected you, your lives, and your dreams, make me feel whole again and it's beyond me how that has come to fruition. From some of your messages, I realized how far I've actually come. I know it's been months and even a year, but I don't think I've realized how MUCH work we've been through and accomplished in that time until now.. Because I always felt like the work I put out hasn't been enough yet it has gotten this far =o
I couldn't stop watching the videos without going "OH MY GOD!" or just gasping at every single thing you guys did and made and said!! There were such great moments and I love the fact that everyone expressed themselves through their own ways and interests ^_^ It was all a great time and I hope you guys really did enjoy working together!! =] I was thinking about how beautiful it is if you guys would follow your dreams as well even if it's from this experience (and others of course) and become painters, singers, bakers, whatever you want to become ^~^
I can't imagine another time in my life when I've felt so accepted and supported by this many people =) It means so much to me to know that I'll always have your support and be by my side ^~^ It means so much to know that you can count on me when it comes to your problems or dreams as well, happy times or sad times. It means so much to be considered a friend, as inspiring as you make it seem, instead of an idol - which makes me hope that we can continue to have this kind of connection for all times, no matter what happens~ T~T I genuinely appreciate your support all this time and for being around for so long and investing your faith in me and the things that I do. I don't think that I can ever understand the true magnitude of influence that my work has on each of you, but it brings me joy that there are those who can find happiness and consolation in the same things that have brought us together under the same sky.
I shall push forward for my dream as you do for yours =] Isn't it beautiful how people can come together? You guys are greater supporters than even an idol could ask for, let alone a person such as myself.~ A person doesn't have to be admiring to be a friend, yet here I am who is, to some, an admiring friend. I am so in debt to your everlasting love and support.
Thank you so much<3
Don't miss the amazing, beautiful videos! : Alan, Fighting! [Part I]
I just wanted to update my page with the latest cover I made ^~^ Feel free to listen and download from http://www.4shared.com/file/135895257/292339b1/Nobody.html
Wonder Girls - Nobody (Rainstone Remix [Kor.]) - Full Male Cover
It's come to my realization that a lot of people who I have known for so long and have come to know for no matter how long have found happiness in their lives.
This was what I wanted for everyone in a really really early post of mine on a Facebook note. I poured my heart out then and wished nothing more but happiness for everyone I knew no matter if they were my friends or not.
It's funny because in the same moment I realized this I also was reminded of some things and some people from the past not the ones I've talked about... at least not in a while.
I know that from many people's views, it seems like I have the world made for me ^_^ I do feel your immense support, and of course so when you are reading these words. I now understand how things can seem extravagant and glamorous at some levels in life. But I have always felt that others have had me wrong so many times. Sometimes I feel as if that separates me from what I could have simply been to them - a friend.
I guess what I'm saying is.. it may seem that I have all I need in the world, but the truth is I still feel empty when I think about it. I KNOW that I could be and should be happy with all these great things happening but there is something missing~ For all I know all this could be temporary... something that would be too short-sighted of me to depend on. I just want something that I know will last for a long long time.
(Sorry for the randomness of this post... It's just things that have crossed my mind recently. After all it has seemed like I've been really happy lately, but in all this happiness, I am still reminded of those things that held me back... I wish one day to let go completely once I find that something to fill my heart. But today I felt different. The lost things that I've always held onto is now let go of. I feel better.. the only thing that remains is the fact that it happened, something that cannot be erased. My heart is lightened of the weight but now it feels unfulfilled.)
Also something just came up in a conversation with someone that reminded me of a certain thing... habit... that I always do when I'm back in my hometown over break. Whenever I'm out at night with friends and am heading home... no matter how late it is; be it 10pm or 2am, I would drive to a certain ... place. No one has really known that I do this.
I would just swing by and... think about things, absorb in what else I've been missing out, think about the past, all while music plays in the car. It's a nice and familiar feeling, even if I'm not supposed to be there.. or I shouldn't be there. The music and the night air just settle in so well with the reminiscent times. It's a sad time to think back to... but I'm happy to be there?~ I don't know. I guess for those moments I can at least pretend or remind myself that some things are still possible. Maybe it's just too personal of an experience to express in the right words or way.. In a way I wish that some others can experience it... but in a way I don't.. because in order to do that, you would already have to have lost something so important to you..
But in that place, I could clearly see myself back in the days when I were truly happy; a short time that I spent with someone that became some of the unforgettable days. I'll always be looking for that again from now on--
I think there's a limit to how much another person can make you happy. I believe that true happiness is when you find it yourself, whatever that you love doing, and work hard at it. I've done too many different things, and still am. Even today I'm still hoping for some of those things to give me an extra kick. I don't want to just depend on that other person for happiness.. I want them to be the constant reminder for me to go out and find happiness. Someday it'll happen~ Someday~
So today I woke up to two mail packages!! One was from allkpop and one was from Apple I was longggg expecting both and were dying to get them XDD
The Apple package was Snow Leopard that I got an up-to-date discount on since I just got my mac not too long ago ^_^
Inside the allkpop package was SUPPOSED to be the autographed BoA album that I was to receive for winning allkpop Idol last month~ They had tweeted a few days ago saying that there is also an "extra little something!" =o!
I had no idea what would be inside besides the BoA album and was seriously just going to be happy enough for that autographed CD XDDD
Turns out that there was an EXTRA CD inside and it turned out to be the SE7EN album !!! Autographed and all!!! T~T I was like ")(@&#%)@(&#%" XDD like I won't go into detail but WOWW Did not expect that ^_^
allkpop seriously laid out their cards here =p Thanks so much, you guys!!
So as many of you guys (at least those on Twitter) know from my tweets on Monday, August 3rd, a lot of things took place.
This is one of those "surprises" I had in store for you guys ^~^. Here is my explanation and recollection of all the events that took place that I can remember:
If you all know Julia (the photographer/facebook page creator), she had worked for allkpop a little bit around the time when I won allkpop Idol. Her friend, Jenny (lawlietta@allkpop), had also been working with allkpop and has gotten some contacts. Jenny is also working with the Wondergirls' FAN*TASTICS, which is a promotional team for the girls in the US while they are on tour with the Jonas Brothers (since June '09). To my understanding, she gets more access to the girls themselves than a lot of the FAN*TASTICS.
Jenny was to do a short interview with the girls for allkpop and take some photos of them backstage. It was her very first time so she contacted me to ask if I wanted to come along, also to meet the girls and all as a sort of "bonus prize" for allkpop Idol (lol~). Well apparently it was approved by "the powers above" of allkpop and everything worked out ^_^ I was to be a FAN*TASTICS photographer to help out with taking some photos with her as well to get through access. >>> So basically, I was getting access through FAN*TASTICS & allkpop.
I arrived at Jenny's friend's house to meet up with her in the morning (around 11am). She made the both of us matching Wondergirls tshirts, hahah ^_^ Then we met Cat (Catherine) from allkpop, who is a PR major and was basically our leader/representative for the day, later when she arrived. She drove me and Jenny to pick up a video camera for the interview in Santa Clara then off to San Jose, where the concert was ^~^. We checked into our hotel, the Clarion hotel, room 296 (I remembered ^_^), and went onto the concert stadium.
When we got to the HP Pavilion, the concert site, the outside was FILLED with Jonas Brothers fans. I easily spotted the Wondergirls fans though ;p. We went through the back loading dock and met Hanna, whom I believe is the director for the FAN*TASTICS; she works closely with the Wondergirls. She gave us press passes and led us backstage and to the halls where the girls' changing rooms were (I did not know where we were going at the time. Rofl~)
When we got to the small hall that leads into the changing room (still clueless about where we were going), Hana was leading, then it was Cat, Jenny, then me, close to the entrance. We stopped and there were three rooms to the right next to each other, but I could only see inside the one directly to my right, the other two were farther inside.
Jenny suddenly turned around in SHOCK and squealed to me, "It's SOHEE!!! It's SOHEE!!" while gesturing toward the 2nd room. I couldn't see because I was so far out and it was a small and packed hall so I can't just run in. haha~
We were both in shock because we didn't think that they would come out SO early. We had thought that it was just time for us to settle down and set up our things and then they would come out much later. We were then asked to back out of the hall a tiny bit because people were moving about. I saw SOHEE run out of the 2nd room and into the 3rd room (farthest one) while I was moving out. I think my mind exploded.... T~T no need to explain this.
While we were backed out of the hall, I was still in the back, still in shock, when someone brushed by me on the left side going into the hall. I turned around to face SUNMI all of a sudden! She was about a foot away and gave me a surprised expression XD (yeahh I died a little bit inside *~*). She said "excuse me ^_^" and brushed by. I pulled Jenny back to let her know, but it was too late and SUNMI had already brushed past her left side and said "excuse me" again. She died too. hahaha XD
After a while we were allowed to move back into the small hall. That's when YE-EUN came out of the Dressing Room, which was the 3rd room (farthest) from the hall entrance. She acted a bit surprised. Hana told her that we were from allkpop and she greeted us so kindly. I have to say, the moment YE-EUN came out, I seriously think I blacked out for a second. She is SO MUCH different from her photo/stage-self in person =o! All of them are much different but YE-EUN and SUNMI were the most surprisingly different ^_^
Anyway, YE-EUN chatted with us (during which Jenny and I were simply thinking, "wow...is this really happening??!"). She was SO NICE... like beyond words... and her ENGLISH was AMAZING!! I would say YE-EUN's english speaking/accent is the best! She doesn't sound Korean more than half of the time =o... Very very impressive~
While we were chatting about our ethnicity and languages, YOOBIN brushed by my right side and joined up with YE-EUN on that side of the hall. WOW... YOOBIN is SOO different in person (appearance wise). Photos and videos do NOT do these girls justice... They are beyond 100 times more beautiful outside... Apparently it's not impossible for someone to be that beautiful but wow ... 5 of them! o.O
We continued talking about their tour and had some minor questions for them (which included YE-EUN's love for desserts. haha ^_^). SUNMI kept on coming out of the Dressing Room and peaking now and then XD She made funny/cute faces at us, too! And she was playing with Hana; they seemed to be really close =]. But wow she just kills me over and over XD But she finally joined the conversation. Turns out she's a really big fan of DBSK as well~ and her eyes got really bright when Cat told her I was a big fan of them as well ^_^
She (SUNMI) asked us if we had a favorite female group. I don't think I have favorite female GROUPS? Possibly because there are so many different groups and they each have different strengths and themes and whatnot. I believe I have favorite MEMBERS in groups but don't really have time to follow closely to more than just DBSK on music. haha XD But I definitely have much respect for the Wondergirls with all their outcomes over such a short period of time and how much they've taken on for themselves to get where they are now =] (but that's sort of beside the point).
During that conversation with the 3 girls (SUNMI, YE-EUN, YOOBIN (in that order from left to right)), SUNYE popped out of the Dressing Room door... That's when Jenny and I went BONKERS! She's been one of the most appealing female performers to each of us so YA WE WERE CRAZY T_T I don't think I even felt it as much when Jenny grabbed and squeezed my arm. hahahah. I just said "ow..." to get her off! ROFL.
As I've said, the girls are VERY much different in person than in their photos =o They are SO much prettier and it was so surreal T_T. And they are very small in person =o Not that they were short, but more like petite? They were just really thin and all~ or as Jenny described it--like DOLLS >.<
After a while the girls went back into the room to warm up for their upcoming events. That's when JYP himSELF came by! He warmly welcomed us and we shook hands ^_^ He wasn't as tall as I thought he was in person, but maybe I got taller, who knows~ He went into the dressing room and played on his laptop while the girls warmed up a bit. haha ^_^ Jenny and I took some photos of this time. Here is one of the shots that are already up:
It was then time for them to head up to the Verizon tour bus to teach their fans the "Nobody dance" outside~
We followed them up (just the girls and Hana) and out the guarded door and were quickly surrounded by fans and admirers. They got to the side of the bus where they had an audio system set up for the event. Jenny and Cat (now is operating the video camera) got in the front of the crowd to take some clips/pics of the girls' interactions. I chose to stand in the back out of the heated area because I knew they'd have enough clips anyway and besides, I don't want to have to jump in there through the crowd as well. hahaha. Besides, we'll have more time with them later so I just let people have their chance to see the girls for themselves and not get in the way. haha ^_^
Afterwards we escorted the girls back through the doors and down into the backstage area. The fans were going crazy and tried to get single "myspace-styled" pics with each of the girls. We were then to begin the interview shortly in the girls' Dressing Room. Jenny had thought that it would be ME and HER who would be interviewing the girls, but nope, she had to do it by herself XDD Well I think she wanted it but never got a confirmation that I can too ^_^ Well no matter what I didn't wanna make a fool of myself in front of the camera hahaha so I was content. I helped take photos of the interview so was in the same room.
The girls had some really nice answers and they were awesome to say hi to and thank their fans at home =] They were also being really nice to Jenny, knowing it's her first time doing an interview and all. I wonder how SHE must've been feeling... I know I would've choked and fainted but ya. hahah ^_^
After the interview, we got to take some photos of them in the room and also some with them =] I was meaning to get some signatures but didn't have anything for them to sign on =[ They admired our tshirts though ^_^. Then I talked to YE-EUN and told her how I was surprised to find out that we have the same birthday =] The girls, by then, were all around me all looking like ^~^ (died inside and stuttered... UGH XD). YE-EUN responded with "REALLY?? wahhh~ that's very nice ^_^" and also to me, then, being 1 year exactly younger than her ^~^ (COUGH* i wish i was a year older >.< hahah but anywayy~~)
Well despite being a total fanboy inside, I managed to keep myself calm on the outside ^_^ I think I've just gotten too good at this whole inside/outside thing~ But the thing is, I don't want them to feel like "wow even these people are going crazy" and save them 1 less trouble hahah~
Our next thing on the schedule was to get some free time and let the girls go rehearse for their performance. So we said our goodbyes (we planned to come back later for the meet-and-greet that night to see them again) because we weren't going to be in the concert itself. We got hugs from all the girls and a very kind fairwell =] It had already been great fun and we got to know each other personally so it was very fulfilling ^_^.
On the way out, Jenny reminded me how JYP was just there an hour ago or so by now. Not that I had planned this since forever or would rather do this but it's not everyday when you get to meet the Producer HIMSELF. So by encouragement from a couple others, I had made a mixed CD with my top songs for JYP ^_^. I also had a sort of resume' paper but couldn't print it =[ so had to stick with the CD. But we couldn't find JYP at that time, so I thought that I may as well try to give the CD to the girls with my youtube account written on it =] We handed the CD to Hana and asked her to pass it on ^_^ I really hope she did but I trust her since she's basically really organized. haha~
So we (Cat, Jenny, me) headed out and decided to run around the crowds in line outside to find Wondergirls fans to get more footage for allkpop~ We found some here and there and asked each group to scream "HEY ALLKPOP WE LOVE THE WONDERGIRLS!!!" really loudly to the camera XD also stirring up attention from the other people in line ;] Shame to those who don't know the Wondergirls!!! booo!!! haha ^_^ oh well~ (But I'd have to say that was one of the first times I came into contact with that many Jonas Brothers fans. haha some of my friends are fans too but they are of course nowhere near these people's levels. hahah XD)
During this time when were were outside filming people for the Wondergirls coverage, SURPRISINGLY, some people recognized me o.O. There apparently were Dreamers around and it was more than one occasion when different people came up to get autographs (i know, right? autographs! @_@) from me and photos too o.O. I honestly had forgotten and all else but Wondergirls and didn't even think about being recognized at such a big Jonas Brothers concert (which is totally off the chart. haha). I was very flattered and ... actually I'm not sure how I felt T_T and Jenny was rubbing it in with the camera work and whatnot =_=. For people like us, it's not everyday when people ask you for autographs...loll, that is just new to me. Besides, I completely learned that it's extremely hard to sign on a piece of paper. hahaha I suck at autographs at the moment XD especially like that T_T. I'm pretty sure each of them was different from the others. haha~
So after things died down, the three of us wanted to go grab some food at this restaurant we walked to. We then took a cab back to our hotel (The cab was a super nice SUV and it was mighty expensive. hahaha we were so tricked XD) and took some time resting and all. Jenny's friend (also a FAN*TASTICs) was to contact her to let us know when the concert was over and that the meet-and-greet starts. After a long time with some naps, it was already nearing 11pm and we were wondering if it was over yet. Jenny's friend still hasn't replied/contacted her so we just decided to go to the concert ground, hoping to catch up with the girls again and hang out at the meet-and-greet for some more photos, etc...
When we got there, it was emptying out o.O and the people said that it was already over T_T. The three of us were majorly bummed but it was okay because in the end we got to meet them anyway and had some great time that many others didn't get the chance to have =] We had fun and that's what matters. I was happy to be lucky enough to meet them and even hang out ^~^ Afterwards, we just headed back to the hotel and stayed up watching some Korean movies and chill/eat XD
Overall, it was such a great experience working with allkpop and FAN*TASTICS. I got to meet great people (all of those whom I was with that day were new friends/acquaintances to me o.O). Meeting the girls was OUT of this world!~ I'll never forget this day ^_^ It was a great day in a long long time for me =]
Looking back at it, I have gained new and greater respect for all of the Wondergirls and JYP himself with all that he's doing for them and his other artists. I've always known that they have been close but this time I got to witness it with my own eyes. I'm extremely inspired and hopefully one day I'll see the girls not as another boy/photographer but someone who can inspire them back for all their work ^_^ It'd surely be great to work with JYP as well =] He's chilll~~ Hands down best producer I've seen in action yet! Nothing but respect!
Also, the girls will be having 3 days of performances this weekend in LA (near my U.S. "hometown") on the 7th, 8th, and 9th. Jenny and I are planning to fly down and meet them there to do more coverages for FAN*TASTICS and all. We are planning great fun things and I hope it all works out!! It would be so great if I see some of my friends back home =] Jenny mentioned how there'll probably be more Dreamers there XDD haha *sigh*~
But yes, hopefully this won't be a "once in a lifetime" experience because I'm definitely gonna do my best to get caught up with these 5 WONDERfulGIRLS~ They have given me so much inspiration because much like me, they want to perform at a new and foreign country. Even if we are going opposite ways, I'm sure we feel the same way ^^ One day, it's possible =] and I'll meet them again~
Also, I know that I was tweeting (twitter) like CRAZY that day. I'm sorry to anyone who got so many of those tweets and not to mention if they were on your phone T_T. I apologize if it bothered you during any inconvenient time =o. But you know, it was a pretty crazy experience XD besides I had to keep it bottled up and on the DL before the actual events took place.
UPDATE = if this weekend works out, there will be more surprises for you guys ^_^ Sorry can't tell yet once again ;p
I hope you had fun reading up on my experience that I really wanted to share with all of you =]]
Love, Alan
P.S. Overall from meeting the girls, YE-EUN was really impressive with her English, SUNMI was cute beyond words can describe, SOHEE was a bit timid and seemed a bit down at first but she was still cute ^^ and was more happy later on (I think I know her reasons though~ I notice these things.), YOOBIN was VERY charismatic and down-to-earth, and last but not least SUNYE was just as "HOT! HOT!" as you think she is, and THEN someee~ =o... All the girls were really friendly and open/down-to-earth ^^. ... did I mention SUNMI was extremely cute?? (anyone who talks to me in person KNOWS that I don't say this about just any one person I know in real life. So you should understand how this is XD)
UPDATE!: Here is the finished product of the interview if you guys are interested!~ STRAIGHT from allkpop ^_^
I've decided that from now on I'll try to name my posts with song titles =] They'll be in quotes so if they're not then it's just the subject name.--
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It's almost been a year since I began singing (8/2-my first video on Youtube). I've come a long way. There are so many people to thank for this success. It seems to me like it's been so much longer than it really has been. Others feel that way too (I'm sure you do as well ^^)
But I must not forget my reasons for singing in the beginning. Because of that person I always speak of. I think I can be a bit more open about this now to you (the reader) because after one year, I think I've overcome a lot of things. Although I still can't reveal the entire story.
My heart still tugs at me when I think of it. It's been more than a year. I remember some specific moments when we were together. The song that was decided to be "our song"...was DBSK's "Hug" it was a happy song...and we were both new to DBSK at the time.
I remember the best Christmas I ever had. It was with her. A party at a friend's house. We walked with a group to go caroling, but she didn't feel too good because she had a blood test that morning and was worn out. She sang to me... I had always wondered how it was like when a girl sings to me... I had never known that feeling because I was always the one who would sing, play guitar (not that it's anything to complain about ^_^) I loved doing these things because I knew at least I was lucky enough to have someone to do them for and be appreciated in return. Her singing to me made it the best Christmas ever... She was wearing a white dress, and we were standing on the sidewalk across the street from everyone else. I thought she was the most beautiful thing and I still do this day. Most importantly, we were still together.
She was nearly passing out later on when we got back into the house... the walk must have made her tired. She asked the friend if she could rest in her room. I stayed with her when she was resting... She asked me to sing to her. I remember singing "Hug" softly to her when she was lying next to me, falling asleep.
At the time, I never thought I'd be where I am today. I never planned to be this active in music. I hadn't thought about becoming a singer since I was in middle school... let alone entering contests.. I think high school made me forget these things. I know other people have been through it, too.
It's funny how things happen... how quickly a person who was just in your arms one moment... can be so far after all. So far out of reach that I've gone this far for this one year just to prove my existence...
I know I won't stop doing what I'm doing no matter what happens. I know I won't throw this all away because of this tugging at me. I know that I have a lot of support and love from everyone else. I know you believe in me.. if you are reading this. But I have to try and open myself to share a bit of my reasons of why I was doing this in the first place. I just wanted to be heard. I never sang because people liked this or that of me. I don't ask people to listen, but thank the ones who do feel the things I put through my voice and songs.
I need new reasons to keep me continuing. Something very important to me is supposedly happening in one more year... If nothing comes of it.. I will need new reasons. That is my personal deadline with that person.
Even if that passes, if I keep on going with what I'm doing today.. One day perhaps that person will be reading these exact words on this very page. Maybe they'll know how much they meant to me. Maybe they'll understand how it hurts to not be able to say anything. I don't need anything else. I just want my voice to be heard.
Because all I've done is because of you. I should say thank you.
Haha ^^ This is nothing about singing or anything related to that.
I thought coming here would make me feel better. But right now I don't know what to say. Right now... I don't know what I want or what to do. It's true that when I focus on one thing, I drift from other things. You win some; you lose some.
Sometimes I wish I could let it out, but I can't cry anymore over my personal things... I don't know why... since that time I haven't been able to, no matter how much I wanted to. I don't feel like there's anyone I can tell. The ones I can tell (like you, reading this) don't know these things personally. I just wish there was someone more personal that can relate directly to these things.
When people see me on the outside at events, I try to be cheerful but fail half the time (^_^). I'm sorry to anyone who's met me only so recent because I know I used to be a happier person. There's this weight that I feel will be over me for a long long time. I don't know what can make it go away... and everytime I have a certain feeling about something, it's wrong or it's just impossible.
There are things pushing me and also things holding me back. I just want someone to help me forget about everything. Everytime I'm so close to doing something, I'm stopped by another event. It hasn't been easy. I'm surprised that I can carry through, because I know so many people would resort to much worse things than I have.
I know I'm a good listener, and have been told so. I've listened to so many problems from friends and family. I've watched them get past it and solve things to make their situations better. I've seen people's worst and their best. But it's frustrating for me not to be able to tell anyone about my problems... I just can't. It's not about me being an open person. I was an open person back then... Someone I met in a day would know more than half there is to know about me if we spoke that night. But now it's so different.
What happened to me back then seems to have some effect of a lock on me. I can't open myself up because I'm forced to keep this to myself. I'm keeping a story...a secret... for someone who I don't know still cares about it or not. And it's not easy for me to say it on my own anyway. I really believe the only way is to forget about it, but I'm still finding out a way to do that. I don't want to keep on wondering where she is, who she's with, and what she's doing anymore.
I honestly believed I could wait. I know I can be the most patient person, that if it's anything that's good about me, it's patience. I just never have had to wait not knowing... Left with nothing and even bitterness from that very person. It's disheartening.
I know that I've changed, I've become stronger and a better person to take care of myself. But right now the question is, "now what?" and I can't find the answer.. I've learned what I can but now I want to forget everything before that.
This has been the cause for all I do. The things that others call my "successes" have stemmed from these reasons. I've said before that I can see everyone's growing support.. but I can't see it from the one that mattered.
It's sad but... others cannot tell; they can't... and I don't want them to. This person is not lost to me forever. In fact she's been here all along; but she's different now.. much different. Everytime we're near... nothing is said. It's been so long... but I don't know if both of us really want to know what has happened in the other's life, while things are said indirectly. So many people have seen us together... when we do what we do, but close to none really know more than what we seem on the surface (but of course ~_~). Strangers can come up to me to introduce themselves, ask me things, and tell me about them and what they do have already let me know more about them than I know about her.
I've told myself and pretended that this person is gone. So I wouldn't have to be attached and look back at things. But everytime I see her, it's hard. How can someone change so much that it's as if they are an entirely different person?.. How can someone live with these things I'm facing?.. I want to know if there's anyone out there like me.. More and more, I'm becoming positive that I'm a strong person who can hold myself together.. and still do because I haven't given up.. Sometimes... being alive is what still matters.
---- I'm sorry that I may not have made sense here and there in this post... It's just that I just typed whatever that came to mind... Please excuse me.
If you've read this far, I know that you cared. I'll be a stronger person for this =] I know I can get over it for another time. Don't worry, it's just another phase ~_~
Thanks, everyone, for your nice words and replies on the post, Facebook group, and my personal Facebook note (I linked blogger there so yep~)
Also specifically thanks to Susi on the blog comment =] I also was reminded that a lot of people first heard my singing and, for a while, didn't know what I looked like ^_^ But they stated to have loved my singing anyway =]
My current Myspace account actually was created in...10th grade T_T It actually was an account where I'd post my "anonymous" acoustic guitar recordings up (songs that I wrote/composed, as you may~). I only stated that I was from my certain high school and such, no name...no picture...no links. A lot of people were interested and soon it spread among my friends. I only told 5 people who helped me out and keep the information on the low.
So from all of this, I really did know and find out more about how people can judge a person on things that shouldn't even matter to what is important. I've been there before; it's just that I was simply lucky and people loved what I was doing. I wanted honest opinion about JUST the music based on what the listeners can hear and receive instead of just complimenting because I was their friend~ "Alan" was just a completely different person (although a lot did get suspicious that it was me XD that's what the 5 people were keeping down =o)
If you looked far back enough in the comments or updates on that Myspace page, you can see parts where people asked "Who is this???" and were just really curious ^_^ But I already revealed myself at a talent show in my Senior year(?) of high school~ =]
Now it's a completely different direction I'm taking in music, but those who were truly friends still support me, then others can also enjoy what I put out ^_^ It's just a matter of taste, afterall. I think everyone can find something they can like in the things I create~ acoustic music, band music, or just k-pop/j-pop singing XD (I always thought that I had a large range of music interests anyway) Anyone can look through my iPod and find SOMEthing they love ^_^ I can almost guarantee that~ Even my grandparents can, so ya know- lol
Hey guys, I'm sorry that I haven't updated my blog in the past...month(!), but it's been very busy. As some of you may know (cuz I mentioned on Facebook.), I was at Anime Expo this past weekend with my group =] We did a group cosplay so it was a lot of work, also with the performance at Masquerade on top (meetings + practices). But hey, we ended up with an award so it all paid off ^_^
For the past month, I have been working on costumes for myself and my friends in my group (Since I'm one of the couple who knew how to use the sewing machine). Each night, I'd get home at about 2am earliest (one day I came home at 7am X[ ) . I've been pretty much running between Norcal and Socal basically every other week. Aside from getting my belongings for the costumes, I was also helping my family moving from our small apartment in Socal to the new house in Norcal and all. There have also been two running online competitions for singing (Soompi & allkpop Idol) that I had to record my submissions for. The previous Soompi Idol one was recorded at my friend's house (during a group meeting for Anime Expo. The previous allkpop Idol submission was recorded in the rental car I was using ~_~. So I wouldn't say I'm the person with the most freedom ever. haha~
When I joined Soompi and as I met more people, I always admired how many people there were so talented and were involved while interested in the same thing I was. I've made a lot of new friends and received a lot of attention. Soompi Idol was my first ever competition (though online) and I'm surprised that I've gotten this far. May be some of the people who know me more personally would also know that I really dislike competitions and whatnot, but I guess there are times when you should go out there and try out new things. Afterall I always want to be open minded and would hate to miss out on opportunities ^_^
If you guys didn't know, I'm a pre-pharmacy major in college (2nd year coming). I lived in a single dorm last semester (by luck). That was how I got the time and privacy to record so many things as you can see =] I spent a lot of nights up really late, throwing my sleeping habits berserk, to make new accounts on many different websites and link them all back to the things that I've created and uploaded. By doing this, I've met even more people and gotten more listeners. These people added me on Facebook, Youtube, Soundclick, etc... Some have given me tips and constructive criticisms on how to make things better time after time, and I really appreciate each and every one~ The listeners got together and named themselves "Dreamers" (as you should know if you are here now ^_^) and met up on the Facebook page or at a forum to share each others' interests and dreams.
A lot of people introduce themselves to me as a "fan", but I've already said before that I never really liked that word since back when I was in different bands and we worked to make "fans". I always felt that that word instantly puts a barrier between the "artist" and their "listeners" for some reason. Maybe it's just me ^_^. The truth is I've never once mentioned to those that I knew in person (friends from school and other) that I was this "Youtuber" who sings this and that, doing covers of certain artists. I never do that because I always thought it was kind of out of the way to bring up such a thing, even if old friends ask me what I've been up to. Although it's not everyday when someone can say "I have over 1000 people who love and support me," it's just not the same for me and I don't feel like I deserve it as much as given credit for. Honestly, even a lot of my closest closest friends do NOT hear me talking about what I do with singing and the events I'm part of. Surprisingly though, a lot of my friends DO know about my singing and "Dreamers" and whatever else that has been going on with my life, although we don't talk much or hasn't for the past year and more o.O (I do admit that it's pretty easy looking for someone online, especially Youtube, though XD) Some of them say "Oh yeah Alan, so you have a lot of FANS, now, right???". But I always say "naww, it's not like that"~ I'd always call them "listeners" anyway.
I'm nowhere close to being "famous" and don't know if I can get there. A lot of people say that they love what I do and they often support me to the very end. All I can do is appreciate that and continue doing what I do ^_^ I feel a special feeling with those who support me because of the times when they say "my friend was surprised that I knew you" or "my mother adores your singing". How often does one hear those things? When friends and family all support a person and what they do, it's more serious than that~
When I decided to join allkpop Idol, I was prepared for whatever that was gonna happen. I knew it wasn't going to be easy and I wasn't 100% certain that I was prepared. Also knowing that I'm gonna be really busy in the near future, I half doubted myself for joining and wasn't going to continue much further (a lot of those on the Facebook page read about this). A lot of people cheered me on and told me that I could go on and don't mind the rest, just fight and keep on fighting because they believe that I have the potential. They've seen me do much more than just 30 seconds of singing. They know I can do acoustic renditions of songs, arrange acapella covers, and mix different versions of songs; all during my busy schedule of moving from place to place, living at relatives' house north, apartment south, hotel in LA, or new house in the suburbs.
It's not unexpected, also, that a lot of new listeners have questioned my involvement with the things that I do. Why I do this and why I do that. But anyone who have known me for more than a mere Youtuber would be able to answer all these questions (hopefully ^_^). The number one thing that bothered me about allkpop Idol is the amount of unnecessary comments (this is in no way about the staff; just merely users~). A lot of it isn't even about me in particular. I just will never understand why I would have the need to put down others verbally to make myself feel better about what I do. And I honestly believe that everyone who is currently in the competition can save themselves much trouble if others didn't do such irrelevant things.
Particularly in my situation, if a person doesn't make the effort to see more to me than 30 seconds of what entirely makes up who I am and judges [me] upon those things, I can't say much for them. I've done what was necessary, and it is their part to do what they must. Some people are quick to judge, and I hope that they would get the experience to think about things more thoroughly in the future, because quite frankly, if a person can't carry through a conversation (or even a comment) without unnecessary profanity, then I can't return to them more of the same respect that they have given to me or to other members in the competition. (A lot of people know me for my dislike of profanity anyway~ and I would rather not use it most of the time)
I do see a lot of talent in the competition and I can't foresee the end of it. A lot of these other things have discouraged me from time to time and I would rather be oblivious to it, but sometimes you just can't be. I have decided that I don't care about the results, I only know that none of this will put me down in the end and I will keep on trying no matter what, because there are real people who do support me, those who will genuinely be happy for my success and so will I for theirs. I will not be a quitter because I've prepared for this. Those who will forget about all this in a couple of years because they have only been speaking out of their egos and not their mind in order to crush others' dreams won't be worth the trouble for anybody, and I'm sure myself and "Dreamers" would be well to not have that kind of negativity among them. The "Dreamers" have become like a family to me and I honestly would be hurt if one of them acted like such toward anybody anywhere.
As I've said before, there are personal reasons to my purposes for singing. I don't care about gaining respect or getting everyone's support. It's just sometimes I do ask myself, "How have I come to gain the world but still lose the one person that mattered most all this time?" (this is metaphorically speaking of course~) but it really does break my heart.
Again, I'm nowhere close to "fame" and don't know "where I will be in 10 years," but I do know what I'm doing now and what I believe in now. No one can really say that I did not see these things coming. A person doesn't have to be Famous to be putting themselves out there; and nobody can make everybody happy. I really am scared to know what real celebrities and famous figures face each day if these are the things that I and others I know face as of right now.
This is not specifically regarding or pointed toward any specific person, so don't take it personally if it happens to have mentioned the actions that "you" did. Afterall, this is my personal account so I'm free to speak my mind, yes? ^_^ My main purpose here hasn't been to gain respect or rally some sort of support, I just wanted to state the things I've observed and felt. I hope that I can be the bigger person and express my opinion on the matter. I will never be stopped or put down against what I believe in. As long as that lives in my heart, no one can force me to change or alter.
Tonight (last night since it's 1:46 am now~) was absolutely awesome =] It was my birthday dinner with some close friends~ We ate at Taiko @7pm in Irvine, then had some Yogurtland treats afterwards ^_^ It was great fun hanging out with everyone the entire time and even after! Thanks so much for coming, you guys =]
Mom made me hot chocolate just now =o =o =o! My fav (during cold seasons...but now is fine since its night =p) I'm in a happy mood so I'm not gonna rant and say much XD ~
Today when I was out with mom for some errands, we stopped by her friend's shop for her to drop off something. I stayed in the car because it wasn't going to be long. There was a man standing by a post a few meters away. He was wearing sunglasses and a thick, black jacket, pulling a suitcase along and seemed like he was waiting for someone. It was an unusual place to wait, anyway, but he seemed happy and upbeat. He might have been listening to music as well. I couldn't tell.
As I sat in the car and waited while listening to music, I thought of how lucky I am to have the things that I do. I have nice clothes to wear, good food to eat, a great family. Compared to that man standing outside, I had so much. As I thought more and more about how lucky I am to have my mom supporting me with everything I have and how many times I have failed to appreciate those things, tears came to my eyes; and even more when I thought of how so many other people have not appreciated what they have been given. Comparing myself to the man again, he was so much happier than I had been.
Here I am, a person with so much to be thankful for, yet still damaged and broken by events in my past (some that no one can ever hear about or know of). The man had so much more if you looked at things differently.
It was inspiring and makes me question myself why should I be down if I have so much to build on(?).
~~~~
Sometimes when I ask myself why I need to have a special someone. Whenever I think about something in the past, I just think about so many things at once and I see them sort of like a story. I feel like I can't share this story with anybody else but that certain someone. I think that everyone has their own story to tell and I would be truly happy to be the one that's trusted by this person.
There are some things you just can't forget. The last time I honestly did not know how to feel or what to do was a while ago from today, but I can relive it as if it were yesterday. I wish it weren't in my past because it hurt too much. How could I wipe away someone's tears while I kept on crying, saying that "everything will be okay" and agreeing that it would be? We truly wanted to believe it and I wanted to try my best to fix things for us. I really believed that everything was done and nothing could have changed how we were because it had been perfect. That person disappeared twelve days later.
First of all, I want to say thank you so SO much to everybody who has left me a comment here and there on my various accounts saying Happy Birthday ^_^! I feel really special receiving all your love from near and far across the world! Dreamers and non-Dreamers alike ^_^
I was actually very pleasantly surprised to hear from a lot of my old friends! Facebook sure is a handy tool XD Your love is equally appreciated =]
Anyway, as a few (or most) of you may know, I was gone for the weekend (friday-monday) for an event with some of my friends. It was...well, eventful, if there were a word for it all. A lot happened over those few days. And it was very tiring and costly.
My sickness didn't really help or was helped at all. I've gotten worse since the first night because I was already losing my voice the morning after T_T. Speaking is hard enough, not to mention singing... I can't even hit a note right =[ But I'll try to get rests now that everything's back to "normal".
So May 26 (when I started writing this post) was my birthday, and I'm turning 19. Of course, as other years, I don't feel the age just yet since it hasn't even been an entire day. But I don't know if it's because of my birthday or just some recent events that I've come to realize (or more like remember) some general things about my life.
Something came up today, well... sort of, and it wasn't exactly a happy issue. I can't go into much details but no need anyway ^^. (I'm sorry if this entire post will be a tiny bit jumpy from subject to subject but I believe they all connect in some way~)
So during dinner, after a long day of being lazy around the house (totally not birthday-like at all XD), I was thinking about the things that came up. I thought about friendship, family, trust, etc. Aside from the many comments and texts saying "happy birthday", the only one that I heard to my ears today was from my mom over the phone (she's in Socal~). That alone lets me know that in the end, it's only your own family, your blood relatives, who can be there for you to count on.
This being my birthday means that I'm a year older, and "a year wiser" as people say. I've never really thought about this much or felt so until today. Perhaps it's something that continues after you turn 18, where you start to feel the responsibilities weighing in with college and a breath of "real" life. For those minutes at the dinner table, I blanked out... I was reminded that people (including me), as humans, want too much and give too little. I can honestly admit that I've been that way many times.
Most of the time I think I'm a really easy going person, at least compared to many I come into contact with. People stress too much on things sometimes. I'm not saying that being lax is only a good thing. There are times when it caused me some troubles, but I think it's much better than holding in all the more troubles that have come my way. Forget sad things and forgive instead of hate. Forgiveness is a hard thing to give or achieve, but it's the best answer, isn't it?
I can really say that ever since middle school (a life changing time for me, if you were close to me since then), I've told myself to try to live without any regret. I tried to be forgiving to people because change is inevitable and to accept my failures because I can't always succeed.
My parents were divorced when I was three. I'd lived with my mom for most of my life, probably up until college. She's tried her best since then to provide to me as much as two parents could for their child, and she's done even more than that. She let me try to take on many interests and learn so many things, from sports to music to studies. That's also the reason why I can do a lot of things, not necessarily the best in everything, but a little in a lot with some advances in a few aspects that were my favorites. She also taught me to be stress free by letting things go. It really isn't worth the trouble (I might've taken this to the next level but ya XD). It still amazes me how she did it herself. She should be one forgiving person to let things go so easily back then and start over from nothing at all. That is my real-life example and proof of why I myself am so easy going.
Forgiveness and having no regret-I really thought I could do this. As forgiving as I can be and have been, and as I let things pass with no regrets, there will always be one thing. I thought I was the most forgiving person. I also thought times and times again that things were settled and I was set for a long way. It was only a heartbreak in the end. I've only felt so once or twice before but this time I was sure it was the real thing because I had become more aware and had already forgiven the rest. In a situation where I trusted one person so much and was so sure of the future, something that fit through the cracks had to happen to tear things apart...
I can truly say I've lost so much before. Everything was gone overnight. The "person" I'd come to trust with everything was gone. There was no one left to share anything I had left because everything was "ours". The worst thing was that it wasn't a normal thing... How many times have I wished it could've at least been some other way, because it would have hurt less and I might be okay now. It was the situations that tore "that person" and me apart. I saw changes in them in front of my eyes day by day. I'm no less convinced that "the one i love" is now "dead". It is like amnesia. No longer would she recognize me as who I was. I can see her... but we can't be talking to each other.
It wasn't the same person as before who was there. We could be the only ones in a room and not speak at all... Sometimes I could only hope that she would look at me. Sometimes I wonder if she, too, was hurt like I have been; or if she know how I am or what I'm doing. It's been longer than one year and I'm almost certain that I'm not far from being absent of existence from her.
As I said before, if it had been any other way... it might have been better off. Had something else happened, maybe I could have been upset, I could have hated and blamed her, but here I can't... I had wished for this to happen to no one else out there because it is just too much... I haven't known what else to blame but only myself. As forgiving as I can be, I can't forgive her or myself for letting my heart go like that (there are also other reasons).
(Why I sing): Actually, "that person" was the reason I first listened to Kpop. We both found out more things at the same time and shared things we liked. I learned to sing a DBSK song for her. Ya, DBSK went a way back for this ~_~. It's amazing how their songs eventually told more accurate stories of us that I can relate to.. =\ It just happened that I received more and more attention to my singing than I'd thought would gain. The origin to my dream of singing is because of this person. I want her to know that I'm still here and she will know what I've been through if she could (or would..) hear me one day. Perhaps then I won't be invisible anymore... who knows. I also want to sing because I can bring happiness to people. On several valentine's days have I sung to couples and people with my guitar, just adding some fun to their day. It makes me happy when I can bring them another happy memory to remember by. Those memories seem so hard to come by now..
So on the day that felt the least like a birthday to me, I learned the most when I was reminded of old things because of those that are more recent. As optimistic as I can be (I believe that happiness is always balanced, and if things are going down, good things are just waiting to happen around the corner to bring it back~), my good things have yet to happen. I try to surround myself with optimistic people so I won't be dragged down again and again. I do wish there would be less stress in the world, though~
It's been 19 years for me as a person but only 1 as an adult. And yes, perhaps these are the years where I'll begin to learn more and more and things will only speed up. I can only be sure not to lose myself to anything that I can push past and end up losing more than I intend to keep... I hope to prove to the world, myself, and that person that I can be more of a person who can start from the beginning and build from emptiness.
Happy 19th Birthday, Alan Nguyen, but the 1st to Jaewon<3.
Epik High 1st ever concert in the USA Map the Soul tour one. word. = "awesome." ^If you were there, you'd understand XDD
WOW it was SO crazy and intense!!! Everyone was up on their feet when EH finally came out and were screaming like crazy!! I hope I didn't lose my voice (doesn't seem like it which is the first XD). My arm hurts from waving the glowsticks around. hahah. I switched arms and tried everything but in the end was just like "oh forget it" and went berserk. hahah~
And wow I couldn't help but look around now and then, imagine what if one day I can do this myself--to have a concert with hundreds, thousands of fans going absolutely crazy for the music, all together in one place--it was such a beautiful thing ^_^.
Even if the venue wasn't TOO big, the crowd totally made up for it because they were LOUD! It was even louder than some auditorium concerts I can remember o.O I probably won't forget this night for as far as I can see. What EH did up there will always inspire me that no matter what, your fans will always love you and supporters will always follow and aid you all the way because of what you do and what you contribute to their lives by giving them a taste from yours~
I don't even have to say how much of a genius Tablo is XD it was just WOW. And there was SO much talent on stage at the same time it was just @_@. hahah~
I wish I could've been closer but I left it to the fangirls. Besides I didn't wanna get trampled over. hahah~
But anyway~ I got to meet Jeanine and Justine and the group had a great time at the concert as you can tell ^_^ Jeanine's mom dropped Julia and me off at the Bart station and we headed back to Julia's house, stopped by a store for some coffee for me because I then had to drive back to my relatives' house which was 1 HR+ away T_T I've fallen asleep before driving back o.O like for split seconds but this time I was surprisingly awake~ haha I guess it's because I was extra scared =o and the caffeine but yah~
So thank you Epik High, for doing such an amazing job (just absolutely "awesome."!) and everyone who was there and you who are reading this ^_^
So after moving out of my dorm on wednesday, the 13th, (which took 12 hours T_T) I'm now currently staying at my relatives' house in town =] Mom's found and placed an offer on a house in town too ^_^ She showed it to me yesterday and WOW it is NICE! =o... We'll have to stay here for a couple of weeks though until we can move in after all the paperwork is done. I can't wait!~ =p
So tonight I'll be going to an Epik High concert in SF with Julia and a couple of her friends! =o yayy it's gonna be a PARTY!! Hope I'll be able to take pictures =]
Boy after finals, my skin had taken some hard hitting XD but now I'm figuring new things out and it's being saved ^_^ lalala~ I don't wanna look like an old man... haha~
Anyway I'm kinda hungry now (breakfast) so I'll come back and update if anything new comes up! =]
Hi there =] Welcome to my blogger/blogspot/whatever else it is called o.O
I made this account a while ago but am finally updating it because it's SUMMER now for meee!! X] yayyy~!!!
So in case you have absolutely NO idea who I am or why you're here, I'll just give you some information about me:
Name: Alan Nguyen Nickname: Jaewon (재원) Alias (most well-known as): cityincolors Birthday: May 26,1990 Present age: 18 Languages: Vietnamese (native), English (fluent), Spanish (intermediate), Japanese (learning), Korean (learning) Place of origin: Saigon, Vietnam Arrival to the USA: 2000 Current Location: Home- Southern California; College-Northern California Instruments: Guitar/Bass, Piano/Organ, Drums
Influences: DBSK, Super Junior, Na Yoon Kwon, Sung Shi Kyung, and many others. Idols: Jaejoong (DBSK) and Hankyung (Suju)
I love music, especially singing ^_^ I've been into K-pop music for just a bit more than a year and been singing it for about 8-9 months. I love to get my music out there for fans of artists like I am to listen to and share our interests.
There are supporters for me, as well =] They are called DREAMERS!! I have several webpages to share and spread the word about my music. Please do check them out =]
====On this blog, I will be noting my daily (if not weekly) "adventures" and whatever comes my way =] My friend, Julia, recommended starting one so I can record the things that may come up in the near future~ I hope that you'll be here to stay and keep up with my music as well!
Thank you~! -Alan JW N.
My links & contacts: Youtube - watch videos I made with my covers and songs (I mainly check here often) Soundclick - download my songs for free (just requires registration but it's pretty quick! ^_^) Facebook - join the "fanpage" and be updated along with hundreds of other Dreamers =] Myspace - for classy Myspace users! Twitter - follow me for random updates (don't worry I don't update about every single detail XD) Forum - join my forum and share your dreams with others from various places in the world Cyworld - my personal cyworld account Soompi - my performer thread on Soompi.com
NOTE: If there is an account under my name (Alan JW N. or cityincolors) that is not linked from this page or from any of my other pages here, chances are they are not run by me and I might not be aware of them. Please do let me know if you do encounter these. There had been an incident where a Dreamer was contacted by someone who claimed to be me. I hope this doesn't continue to happen =o. Thank you!
Hi, I'm Alan.
I'm a Soompi performer and a Youtuber ^_^
I'm also a hopeful for SM Entertainment along with a couple other Korean music agencies!
Please feel free to visit my pages to check out and support my music/singing.
