Haha ^^ This is nothing about singing or anything related to that.
I thought coming here would make me feel better. But right now I don't know what to say.
Right now... I don't know what I want or what to do.
It's true that when I focus on one thing, I drift from other things.
You win some; you lose some.
Sometimes I wish I could let it out, but I can't cry anymore over my personal things... I don't know why... since that time I haven't been able to, no matter how much I wanted to.
I don't feel like there's anyone I can tell. The ones I can tell (like you, reading this) don't know these things personally. I just wish there was someone more personal that can relate directly to these things.
When people see me on the outside at events, I try to be cheerful but fail half the time (^_^). I'm sorry to anyone who's met me only so recent because I know I used to be a happier person.
There's this weight that I feel will be over me for a long long time.
I don't know what can make it go away... and everytime I have a certain feeling about something, it's wrong or it's just impossible.
There are things pushing me and also things holding me back.
I just want someone to help me forget about everything.
Everytime I'm so close to doing something, I'm stopped by another event.
It hasn't been easy. I'm surprised that I can carry through, because I know so many people would resort to much worse things than I have.
I know I'm a good listener, and have been told so. I've listened to so many problems from friends and family. I've watched them get past it and solve things to make their situations better.
I've seen people's worst and their best. But it's frustrating for me not to be able to tell anyone about my problems... I just can't. It's not about me being an open person. I was an open person back then... Someone I met in a day would know more than half there is to know about me if we spoke that night. But now it's so different.
What happened to me back then seems to have some effect of a lock on me. I can't open myself up because I'm forced to keep this to myself. I'm keeping a story...a secret... for someone who I don't know still cares about it or not. And it's not easy for me to say it on my own anyway.
I really believe the only way is to forget about it, but I'm still finding out a way to do that.
I don't want to keep on wondering where she is, who she's with, and what she's doing anymore.
I honestly believed I could wait. I know I can be the most patient person, that if it's anything that's good about me, it's patience. I just never have had to wait not knowing... Left with nothing and even bitterness from that very person. It's disheartening.
I know that I've changed, I've become stronger and a better person to take care of myself. But right now the question is, "now what?" and I can't find the answer..
I've learned what I can but now I want to forget everything before that.
This has been the cause for all I do. The things that others call my "successes" have stemmed from these reasons. I've said before that I can see everyone's growing support.. but I can't see it from the one that mattered.
It's sad but... others cannot tell; they can't... and I don't want them to.
This person is not lost to me forever.
In fact she's been here all along; but she's different now.. much different.
Everytime we're near... nothing is said.
It's been so long... but I don't know if both of us really want to know what has happened in the other's life, while things are said indirectly.
So many people have seen us together... when we do what we do, but close to none really know more than what we seem on the surface (but of course ~_~).
Strangers can come up to me to introduce themselves, ask me things, and tell me about them and what they do have already let me know more about them than I know about her.
I've told myself and pretended that this person is gone.
So I wouldn't have to be attached and look back at things.
But everytime I see her, it's hard.
How can someone change so much that it's as if they are an entirely different person?..
How can someone live with these things I'm facing?..
I want to know if there's anyone out there like me..
More and more, I'm becoming positive that I'm a strong person who can hold myself together.. and still do because I haven't given up..
Sometimes... being alive is what still matters.
---- I'm sorry that I may not have made sense here and there in this post... It's just that I just typed whatever that came to mind... Please excuse me.
If you've read this far, I know that you cared.
I'll be a stronger person for this =] I know I can get over it for another time.
Don't worry, it's just another phase ~_~
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I feel like you just stole the words right out of my mouth. I've been feeling this way for awhile now(started thinking about it deeply on Tuesday), I was going to write about it when I got home and now that I'm home I see you've written this and it's saying pretty much what I was feeling(it's like you beat me to it).
ReplyDeleteI know our reasons are different, you have your problems and I have my own. I was thinking back at how I used to be and how I became the person I am today. And I really felt like I was going to cry, but I just couldn't. It was as if I had just cried so much about it in the past, that I just couldn't anymore. I'm not the type of person that likes to cry, but it hurt me even more not to be able to cry.
When I'm with my friends I put on a smile, so that they don't worry. I really don't want to bring them down. Most of the time they just think I'm tired. When I'm with them I really try to forget about my problems so I can make them and myself happy.
I really don't want to remember what's happened in my past. And I try to move forward, but all the memories and everything pull me back. And just when I think I can finally get over it, something else happens.
My friends also confide their problems in me(they tell me I'm a good listener too), and I'm always happy to listen because I know there isn't much else I can do for them besides that. And I'm glad that they know that I care a lot about them, enough for them to be able to come to me if they ever need anything. But I've never been able to bring myself to tell them about my problems. Sure I complain a lot about the problems, but I never actually tell them what's going on and what the problem really is. I get angry with myself because I think it'd be a lot easier for me to just tell someone and then I wouldn't have to just keep it to myself and try to handle it alone. I know they'd listen if I told them, but I just can't...and no matter what I do to forget about it the memories stay there. It's as if they'll always be there...constantly reminding me of what I long to forget.
I really wish you'd find someone to talk to about this, I think it'd help you get over it. It hurts me to think that you're not happy, even though I haven't known you for very long and I've never actually met you. And yes I know I'm being a hypocrite by telling to to confide in someone, when I myself am keeping my problem to myself.
I feel like I've grown into a strong person because I've been able to hold it in for so long. But I know I wasn't always like this, I'll admit that there were times when at a surprisingly young age I felt like I really wanted to die. I guess I just thought it'd be easier, but in my heart I knew that wasn't the answer and that I could and will get over it.
I hope that you'll feel better soon and that you get over this. If you can't forget about her, and if you can't reconcile with her, just keep fighting. You know you can get over it, and I really believe in you.
I feel bad that I don't know you in real life and can't do anything for you. I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I wish that I had known you in person long ago so that you could open up to me now.
ReplyDeleteWhether or not you're referring to someone you've mentioned in past blogs (which I think you are), some people aren't worth waiting for, especially if they've hurt you badly or aren't who they used to be. I think you're shortchanging yourself and putting part of your life on hold for this one person who probably doesn't even deserve that. While it's your own choice what you do, my opinion is that you shouldn't wait any longer for this person to change to who they used to be, or someone who you can relate to again. Chances are that they will remain as they are now or change for the worse, so you'd just be wasting your time. You're in love with (if I may use that phrase) with who she used to be, not who they are now.
I know it can be really hard to move on and leave someone you used to really like, or even love, behind; I've had the same thing happen to me. It took me several months to maybe a year to stop liking them, but I was able to do it. I'm not sure how long you've been waiting for this girl to change/trying to forget her, but I just hope it won't take that long. I really want you to be happy, and to live your life without anyone making you wait for them.
♥
I dont know what happened to yu; but reading your blog was like reading the story of my life
ReplyDeleteSomehow i can only manage to express my pain on my blog; but even then i never make sense because people dont know what ive been through.
ironically you're like on the other side of the world but i feel like i somewhat know how yu feel.
to have a pain and not let it out is a true burden, but how could we considering the situations that we've been through. to protect others we kind of have to hurt ourselves, and besides id never wanted to place my burden on someone else..
sometimes i just want to let go.. i ask myself is the pain and thoughts worth it? i dont know what to do anymore.. i want to let go yet i cant. i want to stand up but as soon as i do something pulls me back down.
i try and try but i fail. how foolish of me.
hrmm.. i wanted to write a whole essay buh yerh ^^;
sorry i rambled.. again ~
take care and fight on.
anh ơi cố lên anh nhé...
ReplyDeleteI don't have the right to say more than this because I just don't know what's going on. But I think that you can handle it :)
PS: I stalked you from youtube over twitters and to blogspot muahahaha xD
[…] You know… I wanted to comment in your two last posts but I was scared. Afraid that I was repeating myself, afraid that you wouldn’t understand, afraid that I was just saying something futile… Because, after all, like you said, I don’t know you. I don’t know how you will react, what you will think of it. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteWell, you know… At first, I thought you were someone very cheerful. That nothing could make you feel down, that you were already strong to pursue your dream like that… But huh, I was and still am blind, naïve, whatever. You’re not different than all of us. Everybody has ups and downs… For a slight moment, I forgot about that. I thought that for someone who was able to continue like you, it was rare to have worries… But then, I learned more about you from your status on Facebook, from your blog, your presentation and your comments.
And then, this post… This one really affected me. Why? Because… I don’t how you did that but I thought about my past for a lot. A past that I wanted to forget. About how I was hiding myself from everyone behind fake smiles, fake laughs and how I was protecting myself from everyone by ignoring. Even from my friends… That past is still haunting me… It was just this year when I was a bit free to think by my own and to count on others. Strangers or not… Like you, I didn’t want to tell anybody about my fears. I thought that nobody would understand, would know. Each time, I thought that it would worsen. But this year, my friend came in front of me and cried. “Why can’t you see that you’re not only hurting yourself when you’re hiding things?” She cried and cried… and yeah, I did the same. Because I didn’t see that, because I was just seeing myself and that my world was turning around me.
*sigh* Well… It’s not really the same thing now that I read it since you’re talking about a single person and I’m talking about… my past? But I mean argh. Maybe one day, everything inside you will be free… Even if it takes a lot of times to change it but oh yeah! You said you wanted to forget or find a way to remove that person from you. I… Well, don’t say that you want to forget… From what I know…, it’s the harder way to do it because you’ll think, wonder of her every second even though you say that you won’t. Unless you’re able to… But if she was really important, it would be painful.
Yea, so, maybe one day, you’ll be able to be free. Not now but maybe soon enough. But you do have us right? Dreamers… That’s why I think you wrote this on your blog, I think? Even though, you don’t give details… I’m happy to see
1: that you share a bit your worries with us
2: that I’m not the only one wondering for a solution
3: that you know that we care.
for all those who claim to understand so much of how you feel, to be straight up, its an overstatement. i honestly believe that no one on this earth can ever understand everything of someone. even someone in the same situation will never fully understand.. right?
ReplyDeleteall of us reading this can only sympathize, and only empathize so much.. and sympathy has its limits too you know? and we can only imagine of empathizing..
i think its just important for you to realize that whatever happens in the near future, theres always those people that still care and support your decisions, actions, thoughts, and opinions no matter the many mistakes you're bound to make.. no one's perfect right? =)
i'm really sorry you have to go through this pain.. but i can only sympathize
and by the way i'm a new fan of your music.. i have to give you props for singing in korean ^^