19th Birthday

First of all, I want to say thank you so SO much to everybody who has left me a comment here and there on my various accounts saying Happy Birthday ^_^! I feel really special receiving all your love from near and far across the world! Dreamers and non-Dreamers alike ^_^

I was actually very pleasantly surprised to hear from a lot of my old friends! Facebook sure is a handy tool XD Your love is equally appreciated =]

Anyway, as a few (or most) of you may know, I was gone for the weekend (friday-monday) for an event with some of my friends. It was...well, eventful, if there were a word for it all. A lot happened over those few days. And it was very tiring and costly.

My sickness didn't really help or was helped at all. I've gotten worse since the first night because I was already losing my voice the morning after T_T. Speaking is hard enough, not to mention singing... I can't even hit a note right =[ But I'll try to get rests now that everything's back to "normal".

So May 26 (when I started writing this post) was my birthday, and I'm turning 19. Of course, as other years, I don't feel the age just yet since it hasn't even been an entire day. But I don't know if it's because of my birthday or just some recent events that I've come to realize (or more like remember) some general things about my life.

Something came up today, well... sort of, and it wasn't exactly a happy issue. I can't go into much details but no need anyway ^^. (I'm sorry if this entire post will be a tiny bit jumpy from subject to subject but I believe they all connect in some way~)

So during dinner, after a long day of being lazy around the house (totally not birthday-like at all XD), I was thinking about the things that came up. I thought about friendship, family, trust, etc. Aside from the many comments and texts saying "happy birthday", the only one that I heard to my ears today was from my mom over the phone (she's in Socal~). That alone lets me know that in the end, it's only your own family, your blood relatives, who can be there for you to count on.

This being my birthday means that I'm a year older, and "a year wiser" as people say. I've never really thought about this much or felt so until today. Perhaps it's something that continues after you turn 18, where you start to feel the responsibilities weighing in with college and a breath of "real" life. For those minutes at the dinner table, I blanked out... I was reminded that people (including me), as humans, want too much and give too little. I can honestly admit that I've been that way many times.

Most of the time I think I'm a really easy going person, at least compared to many I come into contact with. People stress too much on things sometimes. I'm not saying that being lax is only a good thing. There are times when it caused me some troubles, but I think it's much better than holding in all the more troubles that have come my way. Forget sad things and forgive instead of hate. Forgiveness is a hard thing to give or achieve, but it's the best answer, isn't it?

I can really say that ever since middle school (a life changing time for me, if you were close to me since then), I've told myself to try to live without any regret. I tried to be forgiving to people because change is inevitable and to accept my failures because I can't always succeed.

My parents were divorced when I was three. I'd lived with my mom for most of my life, probably up until college. She's tried her best since then to provide to me as much as two parents could for their child, and she's done even more than that. She let me try to take on many interests and learn so many things, from sports to music to studies. That's also the reason why I can do a lot of things, not necessarily the best in everything, but a little in a lot with some advances in a few aspects that were my favorites. She also taught me to be stress free by letting things go. It really isn't worth the trouble (I might've taken this to the next level but ya XD). It still amazes me how she did it herself. She should be one forgiving person to let things go so easily back then and start over from nothing at all. That is my real-life example and proof of why I myself am so easy going.

Forgiveness and having no regret-I really thought I could do this. As forgiving as I can be and have been, and as I let things pass with no regrets, there will always be one thing. I thought I was the most forgiving person. I also thought times and times again that things were settled and I was set for a long way. It was only a heartbreak in the end. I've only felt so once or twice before but this time I was sure it was the real thing because I had become more aware and had already forgiven the rest. In a situation where I trusted one person so much and was so sure of the future, something that fit through the cracks had to happen to tear things apart...

I can truly say I've lost so much before. Everything was gone overnight. The "person" I'd come to trust with everything was gone. There was no one left to share anything I had left because everything was "ours". The worst thing was that it wasn't a normal thing... How many times have I wished it could've at least been some other way, because it would have hurt less and I might be okay now. It was the situations that tore "that person" and me apart. I saw changes in them in front of my eyes day by day. I'm no less convinced that "the one i love" is now "dead". It is like amnesia. No longer would she recognize me as who I was. I can see her... but we can't be talking to each other.

It wasn't the same person as before who was there. We could be the only ones in a room and not speak at all... Sometimes I could only hope that she would look at me. Sometimes I wonder if she, too, was hurt like I have been; or if she know how I am or what I'm doing. It's been longer than one year and I'm almost certain that I'm not far from being absent of existence from her.

As I said before, if it had been any other way... it might have been better off. Had something else happened, maybe I could have been upset, I could have hated and blamed her, but here I can't... I had wished for this to happen to no one else out there because it is just too much... I haven't known what else to blame but only myself. As forgiving as I can be, I can't forgive her or myself for letting my heart go like that (there are also other reasons).

(Why I sing): Actually, "that person" was the reason I first listened to Kpop. We both found out more things at the same time and shared things we liked. I learned to sing a DBSK song for her. Ya, DBSK went a way back for this ~_~. It's amazing how their songs eventually told more accurate stories of us that I can relate to.. =\ It just happened that I received more and more attention to my singing than I'd thought would gain. The origin to my dream of singing is because of this person. I want her to know that I'm still here and she will know what I've been through if she could (or would..) hear me one day. Perhaps then I won't be invisible anymore... who knows.
I also want to sing because I can bring happiness to people. On several valentine's days have I sung to couples and people with my guitar, just adding some fun to their day. It makes me happy when I can bring them another happy memory to remember by. Those memories seem so hard to come by now..

So on the day that felt the least like a birthday to me, I learned the most when I was reminded of old things because of those that are more recent. As optimistic as I can be (I believe that happiness is always balanced, and if things are going down, good things are just waiting to happen around the corner to bring it back~), my good things have yet to happen. I try to surround myself with optimistic people so I won't be dragged down again and again. I do wish there would be less stress in the world, though~

It's been 19 years for me as a person but only 1 as an adult. And yes, perhaps these are the years where I'll begin to learn more and more and things will only speed up. I can only be sure not to lose myself to anything that I can push past and end up losing more than I intend to keep... I hope to prove to the world, myself, and that person that I can be more of a person who can start from the beginning and build from emptiness.

Happy 19th Birthday, Alan Nguyen, but the 1st to Jaewon<3.