7/26 "Beside me again"

I've decided that from now on I'll try to name my posts with song titles =] They'll be in quotes so if they're not then it's just the subject name.--

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It's almost been a year since I began singing (8/2-my first video on Youtube).
I've come a long way.
There are so many people to thank for this success.
It seems to me like it's been so much longer than it really has been.
Others feel that way too (I'm sure you do as well ^^)

But I must not forget my reasons for singing in the beginning.
Because of that person I always speak of.
I think I can be a bit more open about this now to you (the reader)
because after one year, I think I've overcome a lot of things.
Although I still can't reveal the entire story.

My heart still tugs at me when I think of it.
It's been more than a year.
I remember some specific moments when we were together.
The song that was decided to be "our song"...was DBSK's "Hug"
it was a happy song...and we were both new to DBSK at the time.

I remember the best Christmas I ever had.
It was with her.
A party at a friend's house.
We walked with a group to go caroling, but she didn't feel too good because she had a blood test that morning and was worn out.
She sang to me...
I had always wondered how it was like when a girl sings to me...
I had never known that feeling
because I was always the one who would sing, play guitar (not that it's anything to complain about ^_^)
I loved doing these things because I knew at least I was lucky enough to have someone to do them for and be appreciated in return.
Her singing to me made it the best Christmas ever...
She was wearing a white dress, and we were standing on the sidewalk across the street from everyone else.
I thought she was the most beautiful thing and I still do this day.
Most importantly, we were still together.

She was nearly passing out later on when we got back into the house... the walk must have made her tired.
She asked the friend if she could rest in her room.
I stayed with her when she was resting...
She asked me to sing to her.
I remember singing "Hug" softly to her when she was lying next to me, falling asleep.

At the time, I never thought I'd be where I am today.
I never planned to be this active in music.
I hadn't thought about becoming a singer since I was in middle school... let alone entering contests..
I think high school made me forget these things. I know other people have been through it, too.

It's funny how things happen...
how quickly a person who was just in your arms one moment...
can be so far after all.
So far out of reach that I've gone this far for this one year just to prove my existence...

I know I won't stop doing what I'm doing no matter what happens.
I know I won't throw this all away because of this tugging at me.
I know that I have a lot of support and love from everyone else.
I know you believe in me.. if you are reading this.
But I have to try and open myself to share a bit of my reasons of why I was doing this in the first place.
I just wanted to be heard.
I never sang because people liked this or that of me.
I don't ask people to listen, but thank the ones who do feel the things I put through my voice and songs.

I need new reasons to keep me continuing.
Something very important to me is supposedly happening in one more year...
If nothing comes of it.. I will need new reasons.
That is my personal deadline with that person.

Even if that passes, if I keep on going with what I'm doing today..
One day perhaps that person will be reading these exact words on this very page.
Maybe they'll know how much they meant to me.
Maybe they'll understand how it hurts to not be able to say anything.
I don't need anything else.
I just want my voice to be heard.

Because all I've done is because of you.
I should say thank you.

7/16 Because I'm Stupid

Haha ^^ This is nothing about singing or anything related to that.

I thought coming here would make me feel better. But right now I don't know what to say.
Right now... I don't know what I want or what to do.
It's true that when I focus on one thing, I drift from other things.
You win some; you lose some.

Sometimes I wish I could let it out, but I can't cry anymore over my personal things... I don't know why... since that time I haven't been able to, no matter how much I wanted to.
I don't feel like there's anyone I can tell. The ones I can tell (like you, reading this) don't know these things personally. I just wish there was someone more personal that can relate directly to these things.

When people see me on the outside at events, I try to be cheerful but fail half the time (^_^). I'm sorry to anyone who's met me only so recent because I know I used to be a happier person.
There's this weight that I feel will be over me for a long long time.
I don't know what can make it go away... and everytime I have a certain feeling about something, it's wrong or it's just impossible.

There are things pushing me and also things holding me back.
I just want someone to help me forget about everything.
Everytime I'm so close to doing something, I'm stopped by another event.
It hasn't been easy. I'm surprised that I can carry through, because I know so many people would resort to much worse things than I have.

I know I'm a good listener, and have been told so. I've listened to so many problems from friends and family. I've watched them get past it and solve things to make their situations better.
I've seen people's worst and their best. But it's frustrating for me not to be able to tell anyone about my problems... I just can't. It's not about me being an open person. I was an open person back then... Someone I met in a day would know more than half there is to know about me if we spoke that night. But now it's so different.

What happened to me back then seems to have some effect of a lock on me. I can't open myself up because I'm forced to keep this to myself. I'm keeping a story...a secret... for someone who I don't know still cares about it or not. And it's not easy for me to say it on my own anyway.
I really believe the only way is to forget about it, but I'm still finding out a way to do that.
I don't want to keep on wondering where she is, who she's with, and what she's doing anymore.

I honestly believed I could wait. I know I can be the most patient person, that if it's anything that's good about me, it's patience. I just never have had to wait not knowing... Left with nothing and even bitterness from that very person. It's disheartening.

I know that I've changed, I've become stronger and a better person to take care of myself. But right now the question is, "now what?" and I can't find the answer..
I've learned what I can but now I want to forget everything before that.

This has been the cause for all I do. The things that others call my "successes" have stemmed from these reasons. I've said before that I can see everyone's growing support.. but I can't see it from the one that mattered.

It's sad but... others cannot tell; they can't... and I don't want them to.
This person is not lost to me forever.
In fact she's been here all along; but she's different now.. much different.
Everytime we're near... nothing is said.
It's been so long... but I don't know if both of us really want to know what has happened in the other's life, while things are said indirectly.
So many people have seen us together... when we do what we do, but close to none really know more than what we seem on the surface (but of course ~_~).
Strangers can come up to me to introduce themselves, ask me things, and tell me about them and what they do have already let me know more about them than I know about her.

I've told myself and pretended that this person is gone.
So I wouldn't have to be attached and look back at things.
But everytime I see her, it's hard.
How can someone change so much that it's as if they are an entirely different person?..
How can someone live with these things I'm facing?..
I want to know if there's anyone out there like me..
More and more, I'm becoming positive that I'm a strong person who can hold myself together.. and still do because I haven't given up..
Sometimes... being alive is what still matters.


---- I'm sorry that I may not have made sense here and there in this post... It's just that I just typed whatever that came to mind... Please excuse me.

If you've read this far, I know that you cared.
I'll be a stronger person for this =] I know I can get over it for another time.
Don't worry, it's just another phase ~_~

7/8 Thanks to...

Thanks, everyone, for your nice words and replies on the post, Facebook group, and my personal Facebook note (I linked blogger there so yep~)

Also specifically thanks to Susi on the blog comment =]
I also was reminded that a lot of people first heard my singing and, for a while, didn't know what I looked like ^_^ But they stated to have loved my singing anyway =]

My current Myspace account actually was created in...10th grade T_T It actually was an account where I'd post my "anonymous" acoustic guitar recordings up (songs that I wrote/composed, as you may~). I only stated that I was from my certain high school and such, no name...no picture...no links. A lot of people were interested and soon it spread among my friends. I only told 5 people who helped me out and keep the information on the low.

So from all of this, I really did know and find out more about how people can judge a person on things that shouldn't even matter to what is important. I've been there before; it's just that I was simply lucky and people loved what I was doing. I wanted honest opinion about JUST the music based on what the listeners can hear and receive instead of just complimenting because I was their friend~ "Alan" was just a completely different person (although a lot did get suspicious that it was me XD that's what the 5 people were keeping down =o)

If you looked far back enough in the comments or updates on that Myspace page, you can see parts where people asked "Who is this???" and were just really curious ^_^ But I already revealed myself at a talent show in my Senior year(?) of high school~ =]

Now it's a completely different direction I'm taking in music, but those who were truly friends still support me, then others can also enjoy what I put out ^_^ It's just a matter of taste, afterall. I think everyone can find something they can like in the things I create~ acoustic music, band music, or just k-pop/j-pop singing XD (I always thought that I had a large range of music interests anyway) Anyone can look through my iPod and find SOMEthing they love ^_^ I can almost guarantee that~ Even my grandparents can, so ya know- lol

<3 Alan

7/7 Updates

Hey guys, I'm sorry that I haven't updated my blog in the past...month(!), but it's been very busy. As some of you may know (cuz I mentioned on Facebook.), I was at Anime Expo this past weekend with my group =] We did a group cosplay so it was a lot of work, also with the performance at Masquerade on top (meetings + practices). But hey, we ended up with an award so it all paid off ^_^

For the past month, I have been working on costumes for myself and my friends in my group (Since I'm one of the couple who knew how to use the sewing machine). Each night, I'd get home at about 2am earliest (one day I came home at 7am X[ )
. I've been pretty much running between Norcal and Socal basically every other week. Aside from getting my belongings for the costumes, I was also helping my family moving from our small apartment in Socal to the new house in Norcal and all. There have also been two running online competitions for singing (Soompi & allkpop Idol) that I had to record my submissions for. The previous Soompi Idol one was recorded at my friend's house (during a group meeting for Anime Expo. The previous allkpop Idol submission was recorded in the rental car I was using ~_~. So I wouldn't say I'm the person with the most freedom ever. haha~

When I joined Soompi and as I met more people, I always admired how many people there were so talented and were involved while interested in the same thing I was. I've made a lot of new friends and received a lot of attention. Soompi Idol was my first ever competition (though online) and I'm surprised that I've gotten this far. May be some of the people who know me more personally would also know that I really dislike competitions and whatnot, but I guess there are times when you should go out there and try out new things. Afterall I always want to be open minded and would hate to miss out on opportunities ^_^

If you guys didn't know, I'm a pre-pharmacy major in college (2nd year coming). I lived in a single dorm last semester (by luck). That was how I got the time and privacy to record so many things as you can see =]
I spent a lot of nights up really late, throwing my sleeping habits berserk, to make new accounts on many different websites and link them all back to the things that I've created and uploaded. By doing this, I've met even more people and gotten more listeners. These people added me on Facebook, Youtube, Soundclick, etc... Some have given me tips and constructive criticisms on how to make things better time after time, and I really appreciate each and every one~
The listeners got together and named themselves "Dreamers" (as you should know if you are here now ^_^) and met up on the Facebook page or at a forum to share each others' interests and dreams.

A lot of people introduce themselves to me as a "fan", but I've already said before that I never really liked that word since back when I was in different bands and we worked to make "fans". I always felt that that word instantly puts a barrier between the "artist" and their "listeners" for some reason. Maybe it's just me ^_^.
The truth is I've never once mentioned to those that I knew in person (friends from school and other) that I was this "Youtuber" who sings this and that, doing covers of certain artists. I never do that because I always thought it was kind of out of the way to bring up such a thing, even if old friends ask me what I've been up to.
Although it's not everyday when someone can say "I have over 1000 people who love and support me," it's just not the same for me and I don't feel like I deserve it as much as given credit for.
Honestly, even a lot of my closest closest friends do NOT hear me talking about what I do with singing and the events I'm part of.
Surprisingly though, a lot of my friends DO know about my singing and "Dreamers" and whatever else that has been going on with my life, although we don't talk much or hasn't for the past year and more o.O (I do admit that it's pretty easy looking for someone online, especially Youtube, though XD)
Some of them say "Oh yeah Alan, so you have a lot of FANS, now, right???". But I always say "naww, it's not like that"~ I'd always call them "listeners" anyway.

I'm nowhere close to being "famous" and don't know if I can get there. A lot of people say that they love what I do and they often support me to the very end. All I can do is appreciate that and continue doing what I do ^_^ I feel a special feeling with those who support me because of the times when they say "my friend was surprised that I knew you" or "my mother adores your singing". How often does one hear those things? When friends and family all support a person and what they do, it's more serious than that~

When I decided to join allkpop Idol, I was prepared for whatever that was gonna happen. I knew it wasn't going to be easy and I wasn't 100% certain that I was prepared. Also knowing that I'm gonna be really busy in the near future, I half doubted myself for joining and wasn't going to continue much further (a lot of those on the Facebook page read about this).
A lot of people cheered me on and told me that I could go on and don't mind the rest, just fight and keep on fighting because they believe that I have the potential. They've seen me do much more than just 30 seconds of singing. They know I can do acoustic renditions of songs, arrange acapella covers, and mix different versions of songs; all during my busy schedule of moving from place to place, living at relatives' house north, apartment south, hotel in LA, or new house in the suburbs.

It's not unexpected, also, that a lot of new listeners have questioned my involvement with the things that I do. Why I do this and why I do that. But anyone who have known me for more than a mere Youtuber would be able to answer all these questions (hopefully ^_^).
The number one thing that bothered me about allkpop Idol is the amount of unnecessary comments (this is in no way about the staff; just merely users~). A lot of it isn't even about me in particular. I just will never understand why I would have the need to put down others verbally to make myself feel better about what I do. And I honestly believe that everyone who is currently in the competition can save themselves much trouble if others didn't do such irrelevant things.

Particularly in my situation, if a person doesn't make the effort to see more to me than 30 seconds of what entirely makes up who I am and judges [me] upon those things, I can't say much for them. I've done what was necessary, and it is their part to do what they must. Some people are quick to judge, and I hope that they would get the experience to think about things more thoroughly in the future, because quite frankly, if a person can't carry through a conversation (or even a comment) without unnecessary profanity, then I can't return to them more of the same respect that they have given to me or to other members in the competition. (A lot of people know me for my dislike of profanity anyway~ and I would rather not use it most of the time)

I do see a lot of talent in the competition and I can't foresee the end of it. A lot of these other things have discouraged me from time to time and I would rather be oblivious to it, but sometimes you just can't be. I have decided that I don't care about the results, I only know that none of this will put me down in the end and I will keep on trying no matter what, because there are real people who do support me, those who will genuinely be happy for my success and so will I for theirs. I will not be a quitter because I've prepared for this. Those who will forget about all this in a couple of years because they have only been speaking out of their egos and not their mind in order to crush others' dreams won't be worth the trouble for anybody, and I'm sure myself and "Dreamers" would be well to not have that kind of negativity among them. The "Dreamers" have become like a family to me and I honestly would be hurt if one of them acted like such toward anybody anywhere.

As I've said before, there are personal reasons to my purposes for singing. I don't care about gaining respect or getting everyone's support. It's just sometimes I do ask myself, "How have I come to gain the world but still lose the one person that mattered most all this time?" (this is metaphorically speaking of course~) but it really does break my heart.

Again, I'm nowhere close to "fame" and don't know "where I will be in 10 years," but I do know what I'm doing now and what I believe in now. No one can really say that I did not see these things coming. A person doesn't have to be Famous to be putting themselves out there; and nobody can make everybody happy. I really am scared to know what real celebrities and famous figures face each day if these are the things that I and others I know face as of right now.

This is not specifically regarding or pointed toward any specific person, so don't take it personally if it happens to have mentioned the actions that "you" did. Afterall, this is my personal account so I'm free to speak my mind, yes? ^_^ My main purpose here hasn't been to gain respect or rally some sort of support, I just wanted to state the things I've observed and felt. I hope that I can be the bigger person and express my opinion on the matter. I will never be stopped or put down against what I believe in. As long as that lives in my heart, no one can force me to change or alter.

With love and respect,
Alan JW N.